I have decided I am going to make my project confidence into a series of blogposts in the hope that they will be useful to some of my readers who are also struggling with self-esteem issues. Or that they will simply be fun to read. I’ll settle for that as well ;). Please note that I have inserted some headers in the post so everyone can quickly see if a section is to their interest or not.
More confidence equals scatterbrain?!
It is a little strange, but ever since I posted the initial post about project confidence and decided I was going to accept myself, I have really noticed a change in me. I am sure this also has something to do with the exercises in the book that I am using to regain my confidence entitled Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-acceptance by Rosie Molinary (I will be writing a review on this once I have used it for a month).
It’s like some of the weight I didn’t even know I was actually carrying around has fallen off of me (lol now I losing weight both figuratively and literally). I seem to be a lot more at peace with myself and even to have a little bit more energy (and I will do ANYTHING for just a teeny bit more energy). I appear to be reverting slowly to the bubbly person that I used to be (yeay me!). This has resulted in my brain literally overflowing with ideas and things I want to do… Next to the massive mountain of things I am already doing. In other words, I am slowly, but surely also turning into a scatterbrain.
So I decided, it was time to get organized!
People who know me do not immediately classify me as insecure. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I have never tried weed (even though I have lived in Amsterdam most of my life), I don’t wear make-up and I dress the way I like. I cannot remember the time I caved to group pressure to do something that I really did not wish to do… I believe the last time was when I was about 9 years old. I have always had a very strong sense of self. Other than on stage or in drama class I never pretended to be someone that I am not. I have always only been me.
And yet, despite knowing who I am and never pretending to be otherwise, I lack confidence. MASSIVELY. Yes, you can be yourself and still be completely insecure in being it. Don’t get me wrong, I have slowly been gathering confidence over the years, but it still needs a heck of a lot of work… So, I have decided I am going to start a project for myself: Project Confidence (I like the double meaning in it).
So why am I insecure? I am not going to bore you with the details about being teased as a child in primary school for being overweight or having a head the colour of a tomato when I was warm. Yes this left its scars, but I have not had it nearly as tough as some of my readers probably have had it. I had friends and never felt completely isolated. I probably came home crying once or twice, but definitely not every day, every week or even every month. The kids did not make me perfectly miserable. But that does not mean that the comments they made did not leave any scars. It somehow left me with the feeling that I was different and that I did not quite fit in.
There is, however, one event that took place whilst I was still in primary school, though it happened outside of school, that I would like to share with you. This had a really big impact on me. I have not shared this story with a lot of people… If I have ever shared it at all.