Week 14: size 38. Wait? Whut?!

strange-people-quotes-weight-loss_1As my pants were getting way to big for me and the belt I bought a month ago wasn’t really helping any more either, I decided it was high time to buy some new jeans on Saturday. Previously I had a EU size 42 (which is size 14 in the UK or 10 in the US ), and as I was pretty convinced I had only dropped one dress size, I reached out for a size 40 (12 UK or 8 US). As I put it on I was literally puzzled for a moment why it didn’t fit properly. Somehow it felt like it was slipping off my but a little bit. Was it too small then? It honestly took me a moment to realize that the pants were actually to big. I had too much space around the tummy area, which caused the jeans to slip down a little when I moved. Honestly, I was unsure what to do for a moment.

Was I really going to have to grab a size 38 (10 UK or 6 US)? There was no way in hell that was going to fit me. But, the size I currently had on was clearly to big. So there really was nothing for it, but to try a size 38. In my mind size 38 had always been for the skinny girls among us and I honestly couldn’t imagine myself ever getting to that size. The more so because I have pretty wide hips and a generous bosom. Continue reading

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Project confidence

People who know me do not immediately classify me as insecure. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I have never tried weed (even though I have lived in Amsterdam most of my life), I don’t wear make-up and I dress the way I like. I cannot remember the time I caved to group pressure to do something that I really did not wish to do… I believe the last time was when I was about 9 years old. I have always had a very strong sense of self. Other than on stage or in drama class I never pretended to be someone that I am not. I have always only been me.

And yet, despite knowing who I am and never pretending to be otherwise, I lack confidence. MASSIVELY. Yes, you can be yourself and still be completely insecure in being it. Don’t get me wrong, I have slowly been gathering confidence over the years, but it still needs a heck of a lot of work… So, I have decided I am going to start a project for myself: Project Confidence (I like the double meaning in it).

project confidence

So why am I insecure? I am not going to bore you with the details about being teased as a child in primary school for being overweight or having a head the colour of a tomato when I was warm. Yes this left its scars, but I have not had it nearly as tough as some of my readers probably have had it. I had friends and never felt completely isolated. I probably came home crying once or twice, but definitely not every day, every week or even every month. The kids did not make me perfectly miserable. But that does not mean that the comments they made did not leave any scars. It somehow left me with the feeling that I was different and that I did not quite fit in.

There is, however, one event that took place whilst I was still in primary school, though it happened outside of school, that I would like to share with you. This had a really big impact on me. I have not shared this story with a lot of people… If I have ever shared it at all.

Continue reading